Editor’s Note: “Michelle Perez” was our “eyes on the ground” at “E3″ this year. The following are her experiences, and may or may not reflect the opinions of Medium Difficulty, or outright fucking lies. Enjoy!
by Michelle Perez
DAY ONE: Entering The Fucking Building
I’m here in glorious L.A. A bunch of Mexican kids in Odd Future hoodies have been soliciting me for a chance to sneak in a question to “that nigga Mario”. I don’t remember identifying as a writer, and its the fourth time someone has asked me that today.
They smell like really great hash, these young L.A. souls.
“You like suckin those popsicles, huh? Huh boy? Huh?” A young man asks, lowering his smartphone’s camera from my face to a Bill Pope shot of my mouth wrapped around a blue Rainbow Pop that is halfway down my throat.
“Whuh youf impf-eeying, I leeghf povpebsghels!” I stammered, blue juice running down my face. We walked through the opening checkpoint as Homeland Security gave the requisite body scans and ocular collateral collections.
The OCC is active as of 2011′s expo due to the high rate of prototype theft, and it is the ESA’s perogative to enforce a new security system in which the Press in attendance must submit to the surgical removal of their left eye, returnable only upon a clean cavity inspection. The DHS thugs stared at me with unrivaled menace, barking in grim Mimickery Of DMX asking where my dogs were at. Who could really know? At E3 we are without Baha Men yet are constantly told to Watch Dogs™.
“You looked like you were mouth fucked by a pack of Wild Smurves.” DHS are notoriously rude. After my left eye (Lopez) was removed, I was issued a blogging press lanyard and an eyepatch sponsored by Square-Enix™’s “Sleeping Dogs™”.
I’d found out where the dogs were at, and that feeling was one of cheap Chinese plastic painfully sliding across an open eye socket.
The blogging press and my deep sense of shame were finally inside Los Angeles Convention Center where we were again stopped by DHS.
“HANDS AT BOTH SIDES, CLEAR YOUR MIND AND TAKE IN THE SOLEMN OATH OF THE E3 FOUR AS RECITED BY THE E3 IMAM™.”
A stout older gentleman in long robe sponsored by The Legend of Zelda: Horse Souls™. He produced a scroll from his person and recited the following aloud:
1. Do not under any circumstances approach The Snoop Dogg for any reason.
2. Any and all instances wherein Kevin Butler is engaged in speaking will require nervous, unsolicited laughter no matter how insipid the statements he makes will or will not be. Attendance will require a minimum of one errant scream-laugh on the condition it is awkward as hell. Failure to comply will result in lethal force.
3. We understand and are aware Gabe Newell is nesting and seems quite comfortable atop the visible convention center rafters. We must stress that any flash photography may disturb Gabe Newell and ask you to refrain for your protection, as well as his until his omninous, revelatory descent.
4. The Blogging Press is to Adjourn on Wednesday into their Blogging Cells effective 4pm.
He rolled up the scroll, adjusted his pants, and rode off on David Jaffe’s hunched back.
This is it, I’ve made it.
The image for this article is courtesy of Simon Dickie. More of his art can be found at his webcomic, Malky Dungeon.